June 23

Matching, despatching - where's the hatching?

Father passed on up down sideways on Tuesday, 18th June just five days after we returned from our honeymoon. The funeral was on Friday and was a fine send off agreed by all. He had almost 79 very full years life and suffered barely at all.... I feel jealous of his death which is a weird thing to say. Have used up all compassionate leave it feels like so no one else better die this year!
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May 30
on our wedding day
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I found my key to happiness!
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May 14

Father is dying

not sure what I actually want to say about that. It is fairly imminent since lung cancer and a prognosis of two or three months are mentioned. [Here is a link](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vrlcAZ_ZW_Y "you tube speech link") to a speech he made shortly after it was announced. If ever there was a blog post I made where I might expect a comment and be sightly put out by the deafening silence around my blog then I guess this would be it.
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April 15

Giving up

it took a while, but I think I have lost any impulse at all to keep adding to this blog, there may be more to say but I am just tired of saying it to myself and although it has had it's uses to be able to refer back to stuff much as one might look over a diary it is ultimately pretty pointless and the rewards seem somewhat slim or lacking. So rather than let it just tail off I thought I should say as much.... I am far more likely to retain the one domain with my name on it than this one - it may disappear in the end but I think I renewed for two or three years so this will be out there a while yet
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March 24

for it was written

and the word was dipiditofgivkrieg and it was a homoeopathic cure for my ills, which were a lack of things beginning with K remarkable in a dream since one is not meant to be able to read and I read this quite clearly Unfortunately I was also very gay and very anxious, but one can't have everything in a dream!
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February 10

Death impacts

Death does tend to dent one when it touches those around one. Aero and I just in the process of taking a battering since the death of her sister last week. Meanwhile I am facing up to life after analysis, though no doubt I will need therapy to deal with that (!) DG's makeover is almost complete with the addition of blue pedals.... whenever I manage to wear out the original tyres and fit the blue striped ones I shall have to make "before and after" pictures post. I recently realised that my ingrained misogyny issues are really (going to?) impact me when my daughter grows up - at least I can try to be mindful while she grows and hopefully through this mitigate impacts on her. More geeky news is the thrilling prospect of "coding Wednesdays" to get the recycling app online after a year or two languishing And I am at least for the time being desisting abilify (aripiprezole) after finding the side effects (particularly weight gain) intolerable.....
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January 18

bye bye analyst hello dreams

seems that as I roll closer to t he end of January and my conclusion with the analyst I have been seeing for one and a half years my dreams also have revved up over the past week or so. Culminating last night in a dream ripe for analysis, as I felt frustration and anxiety by turns trying to read my poems to a group of women and joining in with some sort of society where we had to ramble out and a false leader led us all astray on account of being driven by a need for money and security.... Hard to describe, but on waking I had a profound sense of insight into the issues I am struggling with in a deepish depression and much malaise about my work. Combined with the culmination of putting on around twenty pounds, enough to make me ashamed to ride DG at all. What's worse I am not even getting out on Voyager, and although weather, child care, and work are all "reasons" it is not like e to avoid riding and allow the excuses to lead me back to the car. Maybe I should cut myself some slack - but the weight gain is especially disturbing, since some small measures had been taken since January to at least halt the slide, and apparently these have been ineffective and my weight continues to climb in the face of depression and the new meds, perhaps =- one of the side effects I am NOT PREPARED TO SUFFER. So frustrating that the only way to verify things like this are so long term... Also frustrating that I amusing a tiny Bluetooth keyboard in the kitchen and results are many many typos.... Still a useful device but cannot afford to work with it in the kitchen other than as a shorthand device for emergency mutimedia navigation
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December 22

love knee, hate bad gristle!

My lovely Aero is having the pain removed from a knee as I type (well, tap on the blackberry). The exciting part is she tells me for recovery Derrik may be the key! Woo Hoo!
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December 12

Goodbye Galina hello birthday

I was really touched yesterday to learn more about the life of [[Galina Vishnevskaya]] with the sad news of her passing. Larger than life as all opera divas ought to be she had a special relationship with Britten's war requiem - he had composed the piece with her voice in mind, effectively writing what was to be a haunting and ground breaking work dedicated to her. Sadly the debut performance of the piece at Coventry Cathedral, a very famous concert indeed, did not feature her voice,m since she was not allowed by the authorities to leave the Soviet Union at the time. When it came to the first recording, however, Britten's wishes could be met and she recorded the more famous version - one which I now intend to purchase - I am sure there will be a surge in it's popularity.
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December 10
Bears at my table? ================== OK so this was weird.... I began with a search for quotations to back me up on an allegation I felt like making about the nature of all psychiatrists (somewhat [[anti-psychiatric]]). I turned up nada, but a couple of gems were both from Malcolm Rogers (never did find out if he is the Dr 'Mack' Portera Rogers or not) - "The science of Psychiatry is now where the science of Medicine was before germs were discovered" - “A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free” Around here I fell off into the wonderful world of Wikipedia for around half an hour... ...Believe it or not in my attempts to discover who the heck this Malcolm Rogers was I find I land at [this article](http://www.biomedcentral.com/1471-244X/10/9 "a link to a paper") on "Excessive substance use in bipolar disorder is associated with impaired functioning rather than clinical characteristics, a descriptive study" Which was simply weird.... And various images like this one, attempts to insert a html picture link.... ![obscure medical table](http://www.google.co.uk/imgres?hl=en&client=opera&hs=5DZ&sa=X&tbo=d&channel=suggest&biw=1024&bih=661&tbm=isch&tbnid=dkzoy3k5yYsvNM:&imgrefurl=http://ps.psychiatryonline.org/article.aspx%3Farticleid%3D97577&docid=F9Yr_4a9HdmmTM&imgurl=http://ps.psychiatryonline.org/data/Journals/PSS/3790/ir15t2.jpeg&w=601&h=1800&ei=pUDFUM-9FYaO0AWgy4HACA&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=756&vpy=144&dur=7463&hovh=389&hovw=130&tx=49&ty=410&sig=111701051017100657586&page=1&tbnh=158&tbnw=52&start=0&ndsp=22&ved=1t:429,r:20,s:0,i:148 "table") and when I came to I had landed back in the world of google images, discovered the picture above, and added [Reciprocity Failure](http://reciprocity-failure.blogspot.co.uk/2008_09_01_archive.html "link to blog the picture came from") to my blogroll (this was the, albeit removed by one, source of the picture I have used).
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December 09

Marriages and mobiles

A thrilling weekend for many reasons. Most noteworthy giving notice of my marriage next May to the wonderful, inimitable Aero! A happy coincidence is that this will be ready for us to collect on the 24th December, I cannot think of a nicer Christmas present to us both! Also the unlocking, finally of my old V3i so that I can relax again away from the chirpings and perpetual low batteries of my cursed "3" Blackberry curve! It felt like coming home, ridiculous and a final marker that I have dropped off the tech curve I guess. On a lesser note my first beef stew was cooked to greet Aero's return from visiting her sister, a much needed constitutional boost for us both. More excitingly I have on order a pair of BLUE pedals to (almost) complete the prettifying, nay _beautifying_, of DG! Also a summer Brixton Cycles cycling jersey was in stock and is reserved for me! Thrilling times indeed!
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November 29
I have had Anne analyst and here is her present. I tried to present myself,
but that was too hard; so here is part of a bicycle,
not mine I hasten to add. It is in some remarkable packaging that once held a remarkable object
An origami bike spanner - imagine that! There may have seemed to be a spanner in my works
(if so I hope it was an origami one). I suspect Anne analyst and myself are both a little too clever for our own goods;
just as well we are parting then. Parting is not the wrench it might be - the presents box is that, figuratively speaking. Within though, what is within... At first glance perhaps it seems a simple chain, however the experienced eye will at once know it has far too few links to be a useful bicycle chain, except perhaps for a peculiar midget or toy bike. Look closer... the chain is broken! This is remarkable and not a commonplace occurence. It is clean - but dirty enough to have the "smell of bike". Dirty enough to stain, if played with, but not badly.
It could be a worry chain, but the broken ends may be sharp, so take care Anne. Look closer still - the chain is incomplete! The missing links have been retained by me -
I had to keep them to complete the symbolism. With the right tool it could be joined into one, and the broken ends could be removed, but that would completely destroy the symbolism and still not make it whole. A word of warning; it is a used chain - it should NEVER be used for a bicycle, at least not without causing damage to the transmission. Not in it's normal function anyway (though it would make a peculiar act of sabotage to fit it to a bicycle!). Any richer with the symbolism and the whole thing would overbalance. I thought about it all for hours, days, weeks; even the bags within the brown bag that holds the item, even the packaging that held the packaging. Even when you receive it, in time for Christmas Oh sweetest of symbols - for my own birthday present I get to give my analyst a present! I wonder if she will see me in January and what you will say about it then?! Mostly I just hope she lives to open it though and to read this - that would be enough in and of itself.
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November 24

If death disturbs, think on it...

Believe it or not thinking of Jimmy Saville and the fact of his death and influences spreading there from startled me from my bed. I lie - it was thinking of my childhood and my father that had me in the sweats tonight. But I do not find the comparison so odious nor so hard to make (of course this would disgust my father and indeed my family, but what of that?). However and though the link may seem obscure it is not really. Jim "fixed it" for kids (the phrase must surely echo down spreading horror now, how many abusers was he really "the fixer" for?) but was the sin all his, no there must have been countless folks who simply stood by and did nothing.... But this is not what I was thinking of again, I lie and it tells a tale that I distract with macabre and horrific tales, perhaps they feel the only adequate camouflage for what I perceive as an equal horror, an equal omission. The standing by as my mothers life drained from her poor young body, as the poison took hold. For surely this was done? Surely someone could have saved her? And surely someone could have seen how affected, almost, one could say, afflicted, I was and maybe tried to help me? [edit] But I am probably missing it - they probably did. Shame they failed... but at least they tried... [/edit]
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November 20
Sunday ride last week... ======================== So, I had a great ride out to the "[Woldingham Viewpoint](http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/5/5b/Quarry%2C_looking_down_from_the_top_-_geograph.org.uk_-_47435.jpg/220px-Quarry%2C_looking_down_from_the_top_-_geograph.org.uk_-_47435.jpg "wikipedia view image")" and although it was not Caterham on the Hill as I had planned I was pleased enough and making my way home on a sort of 55 minute time trial... Just as I completed the pleasing long descent to Bromley who should I find heading out the other way, none other than team Brixton Cycling (pictured some of in strip)! I saluted and they shouted out, and we passed our separate ways. But it made wearing the natty winter jacket all the more pleasant to have it recognised! Who knows maybe I should think about joining them on a ride one of these days....
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October 27
### A Good Start in the kitchen There cannot be much more evocative than smells in the kitchen, and I hope for some readers this picture will evoke special smells. The cafetiere and butter dish in the background are smells one might readily recognise, but in the foreground is another. Just this morning I unpacked a carrier bag of quince which a friend kindly gave me a week or two ago, gathered from a discovered quince tree in their garden. The subtle aroma released was most pleasant and quite intense in the first moments of releasing the fruits from their carrier. My intention is to make a paste now which I hope will last through to be enjoyed over the festive season and, if successful, shared with the friends that gave me the quinces! The size of the fruits could make this a slight challenge, but we shall see...
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October 22

Nice sweet starter

### "Whole Buttered" Onion Soup Here's a radical new way to make onion soup. There's no slicing, dicing, or stirring. Instead, whole buttered onion bake for 4 hours, oozing luscious juices that caramelize like toffee. Ingredients 3 pounds medium yellow onions, about 10 6 tablespoons unsalted butter, sliced thin 3 tablespoons Madeira 1-1/2 tablespoons wild-flower honey or truffle honey sprigs of fresh chervil for garnish Instructions Preheat the oven to 275 degrees. Peel the onions. Place in a 6-quart Dutch oven. Top with the butter. Cover and bake 4 hours, until very soft, turning the onions after 2 hours. Transfer to a large bowl. Pour 4 cups water into the casserole and scrape up the browned bits. Add to the onions. In 2 batches if necessary, purée the onion mixture in a food processor until very smooth. Pour through a sieve placed over a medium saucepan. Mash down to extract all the juices. Save the pulp. Bring the soup to a boil. Reduce the heat and add the Madeira and honey. Simmer 10 minutes. Add salt and pepper. Ladle into bowls and garnish with a dollop of onion pulp and chervil. Serves 4
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October 14
Hitting the wall? ================= Recently I've found myself first approaching a fifteen or sixteen percent climb I knew was a mild challenge to see how it felt on my Dawes, then when that went well I came across a sixteen or eighteen percent, and managed that which felt really good - but on my last ride I found one like the picture, a twenty percent (one in five for the old school) drop, and have to admit I baulked at first then again you have to realise the scene - it was pre-dawn darkness, I was on a new route with just one low lumens continuous light and a stronger strobe to see my way by, and the one in five was clearly a descent.... I think I probably made the right decision. I shall head back on a sunny day after taking a look at the map and working out how I place myself at the BOTTOM of that climb, which is how I should like to approach it. I actually do not expect to make the climb if it is of any significant length - but boy will I feel satisfied if I do! I recently came across [this link](http://www.anothercyclingforum.com/index.php?topic=50798 "a witty prose decription of "hills"") after a series of clicks away from the audax site - and had to smile at [the image of the 25 percent climb with the grim reaper](http://www.notanothercyclingforum.net/pics/grimhill.jpg "picture as text describes it") in the midst of the road! Today, some two weeks after I wrote this entry, I was out for a fifty or so mile run in the morning and with the conditions just the damp side of dry and some leaves and iron work on the climbs I encountered I had the "interesting" experience of my back wheel spinning for lack of grip intermittently on some of the steepest climbs. At no point did I lose control, but it was definitely NOT the right time to take on that one in five climb!
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October 09
Chains and teething pains ------------------------- Had a rather wonderful weekend, and much of it relates to cycling, but not in an exclusive way (I hope!). Finally got around to washing both Derek and Voyager, which was well overdue. Derek had also worn his chain through, and a replacement KMC 99, per the picture, had been bought and was fitted on the Sunday. Probably the nicest thing was Aero taking back to the saddle and getting the new dog acclimatised, as well as her own legs! That all seemed to go well, though I do want to check the tandem chain for wear also, and the rear pads need changing soon. Managed to set a scary new top speed on DG also - just over 47 mph, or what one could definitely call, quite fast enough, thank you! The real achievement was not that though, it was making the sixteen percent gradient climb back up - that felt _GOOD_! Today what feels really BAD though is that on Voyager, with the new chain, there was slipping over the cogs, or at least that is what it felt like to me, when there was a lot of torque, especially in the higher end (on the smaller rings at the back). I am seriously worried this means I have to change the rings as well as the chain. Last night I spoke with a couple of fellow cyclists from the choir though, and they think dérailleur adjustment might resolve the matter - so a visit to the bike shop beckons, and I'm really hoping they are right. On a separate but telling note, and to end with a smile: It was with a wry grin that my analyst observed I came to her to repair myself, but spent much of the time talking about what was broken, mended, or improved with my various bicycles! Gives a whole new meaning to the term "headset"!
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October 02

Feel what I feel

I cannot help thinking it is a fundamental striving of humankind to try and communicate to another how one feels. And to be told and to acknowledge the impossibility of this - therein lies suffering - this is where Sartre was when he said "Hell is other people" surely? Perhaps I make too much of it, but I'm not sure. I want to think about this more....
12:30 AM | 1 Comment
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