Archive of January 2008

January 14

Feeling better about myself

 | Jan 14
well hello dear diary or random OKC readers (I really am unsure there are any these days!)...

Thought I should make a note on a little positivity from the weekend (I have a vague recollection of some sort of promise about my next entry and doing something - but I cannot remember what it was and only very rarely read my own entries!).

Anyway, I had a visitor to stay and go see the Pop Art exhibition on at the National Portrait Gallery. I am not exactly hous proud, partly because I realy do not like this place but cannot move out until I have work as it would mess up the housing benefit situation. But anyway if I have a visitor it changes everything and I want to do my best, so I spent the whole day of their arrival int he evening on housework, cleaning, shopping, laundry and other preparations. Little did I realise but this was actually mildly enjoyable and highly therapeutic.

Even better therapy was havign them around for the weekend and I was able to discover that yes, I am actually pretty good company. I made them laugh quite a bit with my rambling soliloquoy and random observations on life and other people and self-deprecating stories with a humorous angle. I cooked them a Sunday lunch and took them out for a Hagen Daz after the exhibition. Collected them from and dropped them off at the Railway station.

Why am I journalling all that? Well it made me feel that actually anyone who might actually get to MEET me from OKC (gasp, shock, unrealistic expectation! Having NEVER even come close to this exalted goal!) anyway anyone who actually does take that step may have a highly pleasant time - whether or not it goes any further.

My friend was also full of her own horror stories of dating life that made me feel even more of a catch by comparison, which is less worthy, but adds to the good feelings about myself.

This kind of experience, combined with having a break from parenting which normally dominates my weekends, was a bit of a novelty for me, but I need to bring more of it into my life because it is much needed with my still seeking active employment. That really dented my self-esteem. Thing is you have to regain your self-esteem as a real pre-requisite to any successful job hunting. Still no ideas where to go with that, feel I have applied myself fully to the three avenues I had to approach and without success and that makes it harder than ever but I guess I shall have to just do like my Grandmother used to tell me and "try, try, and try again"!

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