June 23

Matching, despatching - where's the hatching?

Father passed on up down sideways on Tuesday, 18th June just five days after we returned from our honeymoon.

The funeral was on Friday and was a fine send off agreed by all. He had almost 79 very full years life and suffered barely at all.... I feel jealous of his death which is a weird thing to say.

Have used up all compassionate leave it feels like so no one else better die this year!

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May 30
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on our wedding day

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I found my key to happiness!

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May 14

Father is dying

not sure what I actually want to say about that. It is fairly imminent since lung cancer and a prognosis of two or three months are mentioned.

Here is a link to a speech he made shortly after it was announced.

If ever there was a blog post I made where I might expect a comment and be sightly put out by the deafening silence around my blog then I guess this would be it.

07:48 PM | 0 Comments
April 15

Giving up

it took a while, but I think I have lost any impulse at all to keep adding to this blog, there may be more to say but I am just tired of saying it to myself and although it has had it's uses to be able to refer back to stuff much as one might look over a diary it is ultimately pretty pointless and the rewards seem somewhat slim or lacking.

So rather than let it just tail off I thought I should say as much.... I am far more likely to retain the one domain with my name on it than this one - it may disappear in the end but I think I renewed for two or three years so this will be out there a while yet

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March 24

for it was written

and the word was dipiditofgivkrieg and it was a homoeopathic cure for my ills, which were a lack of things beginning with K

remarkable in a dream since one is not meant to be able to read and I read this quite clearly

Unfortunately I was also very gay and very anxious, but one can't have everything in a dream!

02:48 AM | 0 Comments
February 10

Death impacts

Death does tend to dent one when it touches those around one.

Aero and I just in the process of taking a battering since the death of her sister last week.

Meanwhile I am facing up to life after analysis, though no doubt I will need therapy to deal with that (!)

DG's makeover is almost complete with the addition of blue pedals.... whenever I manage to wear out the original tyres and fit the blue striped ones I shall have to make "before and after" pictures post.

I recently realised that my ingrained misogyny issues are really (going to?) impact me when my daughter grows up - at least I can try to be mindful while she grows and hopefully through this mitigate impacts on her.

More geeky news is the thrilling prospect of "coding Wednesdays" to get the recycling app online after a year or two languishing

And I am at least for the time being desisting abilify (aripiprezole) after finding the side effects (particularly weight gain) intolerable.....

06:07 AM | 0 Comments
January 18

bye bye analyst hello dreams

seems that as I roll closer to t he end of January and my conclusion with the analyst I have been seeing for one and a half years my dreams also have revved up over the past week or so.

Culminating last night in a dream ripe for analysis, as I felt frustration and anxiety by turns trying to read my poems to a group of women and joining in with some sort of society where we had to ramble out and a false leader led us all astray on account of being driven by a need for money and security.... Hard to describe, but on waking I had a profound sense of insight into the issues I am struggling with in a deepish depression and much malaise about my work.

Combined with the culmination of putting on around twenty pounds, enough to make me ashamed to ride DG at all. What's worse I am not even getting out on Voyager, and although weather, child care, and work are all "reasons" it is not like e to avoid riding and allow the excuses to lead me back to the car.

Maybe I should cut myself some slack - but the weight gain is especially disturbing, since some small measures had been taken since January to at least halt the slide, and apparently these have been ineffective and my weight continues to climb in the face of depression and the new meds, perhaps =- one of the side effects I am NOT PREPARED TO SUFFER. So frustrating that the only way to verify things like this are so long term...

Also frustrating that I amusing a tiny Bluetooth keyboard in the kitchen and results are many many typos.... Still a useful device but cannot afford to work with it in the kitchen other than as a shorthand device for emergency mutimedia navigation

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December 22

love knee, hate bad gristle!

My lovely Aero is having the pain removed from a knee as I type (well, tap on the blackberry).

The exciting part is she tells me for recovery Derrik may be the key! Woo Hoo!

09:40 AM | 0 Comments
December 12

Goodbye Galina hello birthday

I was really touched yesterday to learn more about the life of Galina Vishnevskaya with the sad news of her passing.

Larger than life as all opera divas ought to be she had a special relationship with Britten's war requiem - he had composed the piece with her voice in mind, effectively writing what was to be a haunting and ground breaking work dedicated to her.

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December 10
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Bears at my table?

OK so this was weird.... I began with a search for quotations to back me up on an allegation I felt like making about the nature of all psychiatrists (somewhat anti-psychiatric).

I turned up nada, but a couple of gems were both from Malcolm Rogers (never did find out if he is the Dr 'Mack' Portera Rogers or not)

  • "The science of Psychiatry is now where the science of Medicine was before germs were discovered"

  • “A psychiatrist is a person who will give you expensive answers that your wife will give you for free”

Around here I fell off into the wonderful world of Wikipedia for around half an hour...

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December 09

Marriages and mobiles

A thrilling weekend for many reasons. Most noteworthy giving notice of my marriage next May to the wonderful, inimitable Aero!

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November 29
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I have had Anne analyst and here is her present.

I tried to present myself,
but that was too hard;

so here is part of a bicycle,
not mine I hasten to add.

It is in some remarkable packaging that once held a remarkable object
An origami bike spanner - imagine that!

Read More »
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November 24

If death disturbs, think on it...

Believe it or not thinking of Jimmy Saville and the fact of his death and influences spreading there from startled me from my bed.

I lie - it was thinking of my childhood and my father that had me in the sweats tonight. But I do not find the comparison so odious nor so hard to make (of course this would disgust my father and indeed my family, but what of that?).

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November 20
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Sunday ride last week...

So, I had a great ride out to the "Woldingham Viewpoint" and although it was not Caterham on the Hill as I had planned I was pleased enough and making my way home on a sort of 55 minute time trial...

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October 27
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A Good Start in the kitchen

There cannot be much more evocative than smells in the kitchen, and I hope for some readers this picture will evoke special smells. The cafetiere and butter dish in the background are smells one might readily recognise, but in the foreground is another. Read More »

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October 22

Nice sweet starter

"Whole Buttered" Onion Soup

Here's a radical new way to make onion soup. There's no slicing, dicing, or stirring. Instead, whole buttered onion bake for 4 hours, oozing luscious juices that caramelize like toffee. Read More »

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October 14
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Hitting the wall?

Recently I've found myself first approaching a fifteen or sixteen percent climb I knew was a mild challenge to see how it felt on my Dawes, then when that went well I came across a sixteen or eighteen percent, and managed that which felt really good - but on my last ride I found one like the picture, a twenty percent (one in five for the old school) drop, and have to admit I baulked at first

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October 09
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Chains and teething pains

Had a rather wonderful weekend, and much of it relates to cycling, but not in an exclusive way (I hope!). Finally got around to washing both Derek and Voyager, which was well overdue. Derek had also worn his chain through, and a replacement KMC 99, per the picture, had been bought and was fitted on the Sunday.

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October 02

Feel what I feel

I cannot help thinking it is a fundamental striving of humankind to try and communicate to another how one feels.

And to be told and to acknowledge the impossibility of this - therein lies suffering - this is where Sartre was when he said "Hell is other people" surely?

Perhaps I make too much of it, but I'm not sure. I want to think about this more....

12:30 AM | 1 Comment
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